Partners with a significant difference in their ages may worry about criticism from friends and family, or the impact of an age gap on their relationship.
Age gap relationships (or "spring-autumn" relationships) may come in for criticism and ridicule, no matter how balanced or healthy they are. Partners with a significant age gap may find themselves the target of ridicule or outright criticism from family, friends and strangers; or they may worry that there is something wrong with the relationship.
Cultural norms about dating age gaps are based on two assumptions: that the age gap in relationships will be a small one, and that (in a heterosexual relationship, at least) the man will be the older partner. This simply isn't the case in many relationships.
Psychological Factors in Age Gap Relationships?
There are psychological reasons that some age gap relationships may be unhealthy.
It is often suggested that the younger partner is seeking a mother or a father figure, or someone to guide and care for them.
Older partners may be the target of those who assume that their interest in their significant other is purely physical or that they can't have found an equal in someone younger - especially for substantial age gaps of ten years or more.
Maturity
People mature at different rates, based on family patterns and life experience. It's possible for two people at different ages – even with a 20 or 30 year age gap – to be equally "mature," however you define the term. After all, how often do we hear the cliché that "women mature faster than men"? Some women at 30 are more mature than men at 50 – and vice versa.
Online support groups and chat rooms for age gap relationships abound. One of the most repeated comments on these boards is the reassurance that "age is just a number" and that love is about the person, not their age.
In Love with the Partner, not her Age
It's hard to argue with love. If love is real, and the relationship is good, then age becomes secondary.
It seems sensible to judge an age gap relationship by the same standards as any other romantic relationship. Does the person make you happy? Do they treat you well? These are the issues that really matter.
Consider the relationship as a relationship first, and an age-gap partnership second - but with an awareness of the additional issues that an age gap may introduce into any relationship, including aging, different life goals, and social pressure.
Friends and Family of Age Gap Relationships
The largest stumbling-block in most age gap relationships comes when friends and family – and even strangers – are introduced into the mix.
People may feel threatened or confused when witnessing a happy relationship between partners with a visible age gap, and some of them make comments that offend. Parents, in particular, may find it difficult to see their son or daughter with a romantic partner who is the same age as themselves – especially if the older partner is the woman, which really goes against what is expected. It may also be a challenge to enter each other's social circles, especially if friends or colleagues are limited to people of one's own age.
It may be helpful to give friends and family time to get used to the idea of an age gap relationship. Since their interest is usually in ensuring their loved one's happiness, seeing the couple together and happy will eventually win them over.
Remember that although family and friends mean well, it is not their relationship! Only the couple themselves know what goes on within their relationship, and only they have to live with whatever they decide to create in their life together.
The copyright of the article Age Gap Relationships in Dating is owned by Victoria Anisman-Reiner. Permission to republish Age Gap Relationships in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
Age-gap relationship is wonderful...I'm 36 y/o and my husband is 15 years
old than me. Our first date is online on an age-gap dating club
AgelessOnly.c o m and now I have two babies. We are very satisfied with our
current life.
Oct 18, 2008 10:43 AM
Guest
:
Iam not seeking a Father figure or monetary help. Iam 37 and in love with a 54 yr. old. Problem is, I see his soul" and he sees my
age". It hurts.. I don't care what people think!
Oct 22, 2008 10:19 PM
Guest
:
A few years ago a psychiatrist told me that people date people that match
their maturity level. Like the article says people mature at varying times.
I am actually in a relationship with an amazing man who is 20 years older
than myself. I am almost 23 he is 43. We met because we had mutual
interests and the same friends and spiritual beliefs (which Had been my
biggest obstacle). I am very independant and have always had friends older
than myself. I do not have father issues-my father is a great man and
brought me up just fine. It also wasn't about money since we are both
struggling together in this bad economy. He was also doesnt have the issue
of wanting that hottie in highschool he couldnt get because he was a
nerd-because he always was and still is a very popular good looking man.
You know we both moved in together and after half a year the passion we
felt for each other the moment we met hasn't faded a bit. Although
sometimes our energy levels aren't 100% in sync in the bedroom all the
time-our intimacy,communication, connection and devotion is 100% insync all
the time. To me that is what I call a beautiful loving relationship.
Oct 29, 2008 12:54 AM
Guest
:
age gap shouldn't be an obstacle to someones happiness,i agree that some
people especially women they mature quickly,am 21 years old and my
boyfriend that i have been with four for years is 34 and we are very
happy,i have always known that i grew up faster than my age mates and when
i started dating guys who were 4 to 5 years older than me i found them
childish and i always ended up feeling like their mothers and not their
partner.But with this man i see him as my other half.
Nov 18, 2008 3:37 PM
Guest
:
jennyline:>
I just turned 27 and the one I meet accidentally
is 54... I dont see our age as hindrance for us to be happy, at
first I am concern to the outer people in our relationship. I was
looking for what I have found, but I found him by chance and I will never
let that go away. I just hope that it will last more than a
lifetime. at 27 I could say that my maturity level almost meet up with
my man, i had a very difficult experience in life which requires me to
be open minded and humble at heart. I am happy and Iam so In love with
my man.
Nov 22, 2008 10:26 PM
Guest
:
I'm 30 and his 52. The age gap between us is very visible, because he
didn't take care of himself. I don't care. My spiritual eye only sees his
soul. He may appear older, but I see in him that young innoncent child
within. When we are together, time seems to slow down. It doesn't matter
what we're doing...yard work, playing chess, watching animal planet,
working, dancing, etc.. our hearts beat to the same music. I love this man
for who he was, who he is, and who he will be.
Dec 14, 2008 9:25 AM
Guest
:
I just would like to ask, how about age gap relationship between same sex.
could you please shed some light regarding that
Dec 21, 2008 5:27 AM
Guest
:
i am being with a guy who is 15 years older than me, well, we just start
dating, the thing is he is treating like a child which i don't like the
most, but on the other hand i learned a lot from him. i like talking with
him all the time, sometimes he is busy with work, we couldn't see each
other often, we talk on the phone like 1-2 hours a day, that's just
wonderful! personally i think if you think you find the one,soul mate,
or whatever you feel that's the one, go ahead, that's for you
Jan 15, 2009 10:45 AM
Guest
:
I am 32 and my boyfriend is 21. We have been together now for about a
year. In the past I only dated men much older than I and wouldn't have
ever considered being with someone so much younger. But then I fell in
love and no matter how hard we tried to deny that there was anything more
than friendship between us, we were only fooling ourselves.
He
lives with me and my children and is the most supportive, kind, loving
person I have ever been with. Men twice his age can't compete with his
maturity on many levels. I have a connection with him I haven't felt with
anyone before.
Age means nothing. And I'm learning to ignore
comments and rude looks from other people. Sometimes it's easier than
others but ultimately when it's just me and him, the rest of the world
disappears and I couldn't care less who thinks what about us. I love him
with everything I have.
Jan 28, 2009 2:58 AM
Guest
:
What you say is absolutely right. But the biggest issue are the views and
the judgements of others that directly impinge upon your lives. In addition
their decisions can have as serious far reaching consequences as yours do.
We were reported in the UK press last year - incorrectly but that is
another story and just typifies the UK press - and have a 33 year age gap.
Our ages are 50 and 17. As a result of all the uproar we moved in together
and have now just passed the first anniversary of that. It has been a
wonderful year in so many respects. We are very happy and delight in
exploring issues, things and experiences together. The intimacy and level
of friendship and closeness is a joy and however long we have we know we
will be happy. The main thing is to be understanding and supportive of each
other. To listen but also to speak and talk through everything. The guest
who mentions the psycho babble about father figures is correct and it is
heartening to read for once an objective and thoughtful site rather than
the judgemental outpourings of people who claim to know better.It is
interesting to note that there are possibly many such relationships but
people hide because of this. We have been contacted on Facebook a number of
times for help and support and this is our one concern. Apart from the USA
site Mind the Age gap which stumbles due to the legislative process there
are no real support sites in the UK. Mainly because they are frowned upon.
But that is the UK! We just wanted to say thank you for such a balanced
article and we hope more of us find people like you to help us.
Feb 12, 2009 9:05 PM
mandy1219 :
My age-gap relationship has been everything but easy. He'ss 33 and I'm 19.
Many people find this taboo. I'm still in college and no one seems to
approve. He's a great guy, but people believe I need to explore while in
college and not make any commitments. I have thoroughly thought abuot where
this could go, and if it would go anywhere. This all happened accidentally.
He's never been with someone as young as I and I've never been with anyone
his age. But when you connect with someone, it's just a force that you
can't control. It's just too bad that others can't see it that way. He
makes me unbelievably happy and I can't even picture my life without him at
this point. My friends tease me and call him "grampa", and
they think I should just break it off, and as for the family my dad and
step mom wont even speak to me. It's probably the hardest time of my
life right now...trying to choose between the one I love and my family..
I'm hoping they'll just finally accept it one day.
Feb 16, 2009 12:34 PM
Guest
:
I have just met a man (though am tempted to say boy!) who is 26. I'm 36.
He's very mature but I just can't trust the connection,even though it feels
very special. I'm a cool, smart women but yet it just feels 'wrong'. Most
of the stories online have been about older men and younger women. Any
advice out there for me?
Feb 17, 2009 7:47 AM
Guest
:
Well, im in the process of talking to an older man. I'm 16 and he's 22. We
connect on a level that is beyond this world and people still choose not to
accept our relationship. I was taught to be an independent woman and to
fight my own battles and to know my consequences. He's never talk to
someone as young and me and i have never talk to a man his age. i know i'm
young and there so much more i probably have to learn about life but in the
end it's who going to make me happy and right now i feel happy with him.
many think that he's only talking to me for the physical attraction and
that is completey false. he loves my mind and we'll stay but all night
having intellectual conversation on the world and life. It's your life. you
only have one chance to live it so live it with no regrets.!!!!
Feb 23, 2009 4:11 PM
Guest
:
It is really comforting to read this article and see everyone elses
comments. I don't think people truely understand until they are in a
relationship like the ones that we have found. I am seeing someone who is
27 years older than me. We get the stranger stares and whispers and the
families don't think to highly of it but love is worth all of that.
Feb 26, 2009 4:38 AM
Clive & Jess :
It certainly is comforting but it is also sad that the bigotry and
narrowmindedness is there. We found this is mainly confined to those family
and friends who 'think they know best'. However time does help that
although it is not an easy road. What really struck us is the very limited
support that is available out there for gap couples. In the states they
have a good site called Mind the age gap. Pity we could not have the same
here that provides a meeting place for those of us who live in or who want
a gap relationship and need advice or often feel socially outcast.
Mar 11, 2009 12:03 PM
Guest
:
Age gap relationships shouldn't be a big deal. The people who think that
those of us involved are looking for the father/mother we never had, or
whatever their somewhat single-minded opinion is don't know how we feel.
Yes, we do need to let people know that we're happy, but they shouldn't
feel the need to be unhappy about our happiness. I'm going to be dealing
with this shortly. My significant other and I are going to tell my father
about our decision very soon, and I know he won't be happy about it right
away. I just hope he realizes that it's my happiness, as his daughter,
that matters in this situation.
Mar 12, 2009 5:26 AM
Clive & Jess :
To the guest who writes on March 11th and is just about to tell her
parents....
Very best wishes. Glad you are happy and good luck.
Keep us informed. Jess & Clive
Mar 15, 2009 11:03 AM
Guest
:
I'm 21 and he's 32. We've been together for 2 months but sometimes it
feels like we've known each other so much longer. The only problem I have
is when we hang out with his friends, I definitely feel the age gap -
especially since his good friends already have a 2-year old daughter. But I
chalk that up to only have met them once. When we all get to know each
other a little better, I'm sure everything will smooth itself out. Like
people have said, he makes me happy and we have very open communication.
In all respects, we have a very happy and healthy relationship.
Mar 24, 2009 7:22 PM
Guest
:
I am 21 years old and my boyfriend is 36. Its been almost 2 years now and I
have never been happier. We spend alot of time with each other and we
always encourage each other to do our best at everything. I spent 7 months
away from him and that did not affect the relationship at all. Its a great
relationship. The only problem is some of our friends and family. It hurts
to know that the people you love do not support your decision.
Apr 5, 2009 5:14 AM
Guest
:
hi! i am now confused because i am dating a guy who is 24 years older than
me. i hide our 'thing' from my parents and they don't even know that i am
going out with him, hacing dinner , etc. i really feel guilty. i feel that
what i am doing is wrong but it makes me happy when i am with him..i am
19yrs. old and he is 41.. he's got a 17 yr. old daughter...i don't
know...she's just like my sister..pls. enlighten me up.. i think i like him
but i am totally scared to.
Apr 12, 2009 4:42 PM
Guest
:
I am 16 and my boyfriend is 21 almost 22. He makes me so happy. But my
parents hate it. I do understand that he is older and they are worried but
it just seems as they are pushing me away. I am not saying that I am
going to pick him over my family but at the moment he treats me like a
princess and they treat me like a thing from the gutter. I am happy
and I just want my family to be happy for me...
Apr 13, 2009 10:14 AM
Clive & Jess :
To the guest on April 5th with the 24 year gap. Nothing wrong with being
scared as long as you feel it is ok. If you are unsure give it time and see
how you feel then. The difficulty is you are hiding it I suspect because
you think your parents will not react well. Mine certainly didn't and we
still do not speak but then I chose and am very happy where I am. But it is
hard and people closest do react sometimes badly and you have to be ready
for this and stand your ground but only if you are sure.
So
don't worry and let things happen. Have you talked to him about all this? J
Apr 14, 2009 1:38 AM
Guest
:
my partner and i got together when i was 24 he was 49 ,we moved in together
2 weeks later , getting married in sept after 6 years together have a
beautifull 3 year old daughter who absolutley adores her father she has no
problem with him being older so why should anyone else lol, we get on ,
have a laugh and love each oyher so if people dont like it thats their
problem , if we were all the same life would be such a bore
Apr 16, 2009 12:01 PM
Guest
:
I am a 39 year old woman, he is 27. We have been together for almost 5
years and we are the best of friends. We raise my 2 children together, he
is "Daddy" to the youngest one (Trey who is now 6). We met at
work, was friends for a year and then it turned to more. We value our
relationship and love and respect each other very much. In the beginning,
people thought we were just a fling and it would never work out. Even our
boss tried to get us to break it off! When we refused, I was let go from my
job. We've weathered alot of storms, comments from others, my own
insecurities about our age gap and not being able to have kids of our own,
our ex's, differences in opinions and extending family issues (his brother
hooked up with my niece and now they have a child). YET!! THROUGH IT ALL!!!
WE HAVE MADE IT!! We aren't married by choice and we are completely in
love.
NEVER give up! Love wins out in the end. EVERY time!
Apr 28, 2009 9:04 AM
Guest
:
I am 26 years old, and am dating a guy who is 39. The connection that we
have between eachother is unbelievable. There is a chemistry between us
that I can't even explain. When friends ask why I am with him, I tell them
about the chemistry, and they don't seem to understand. People doubt us
all the time but I don't let it bother me/us. The biggest concern for me
is will the age affect us when we get older. When I am 55 and he is 68
will he slow us down, am I ever going to wish I was with someone younger?
May 6, 2009 1:05 PM
Guest
:
i am 16...and he is 39<3
Jun 14, 2009 11:21 AM
Guest
:
I swore never to fall again, and yet he tripped me over! After being in a
emotionally abusive relationship for 4 months, I finally broke free from my
nightmare. I vowed not to get in anymore relationships until I was
stronger. 2 months later, I was back to myself and living my life happily.
I met him then, and thought he was really funny and nice eben though he was
10 years older. We got along well and had a connection. It was then when my
ex came back to haunt me, wanting me to take him back. I was adamant, and
very upset about it. He was the one who helped me through it. I was
grateful, but still cautious. After all, what was his motive to help me?
Was he genuinely nice or did he just want to take and break my heart like
my ex did? 2 months later again, we grew very close. Neither of us knew
what happened, but love slowly grew. I had my insecurities, and he would
counter everyone of them. I soon knew I had no reason not to trust him, and
I gave him my heart and soul. We're currently together for 3 months now
;P
True, I'm afraid of what people might think. After all, I'm
going to college soon and he's already way out of there. People may
critisize and judge, but we'll get through this. The age gap may seem very
significant now, but when I'm a little bit older, the age gap wouldn't be a
big issue. True, I am feeling a scared of what people might think. But, the
thought of hurting him makes me feel even worse.
No one knows of
us yet, though many suspect. We're waiting till I'm older before going
public. My family is very traditional and strict, they don't allow me to
date until I'm 20. So... it's a 3 year wait. No idea what the future
holds, but I'm hoping he'll be in mine.
Much love and support to
all the LDRs and Spring-Autumn Relationships out there! Cheers!
Jul 14, 2008
